My Story- Part 9
There we were. We had learned that church and ministry didn’t have to be ugly. That leaders in the church could be kind. So, with this in mind, even though they had a smoke machine, we joined a small church launch called Discover Life Church in 2014, also known as DLC.
I could sum it up nicely- say the past 7.5 years have been awesome (they have), that God has done amazing things (He has), but for me, the process to see myself as a church leader, a pastor even, has been one marked by a lot of changes, a lot of ups and downs, and many difficulties. There was one night in particular that I remember laying in bed telling Andy ”the cost is just too great, I don’t think I can do it….” in regards to being in ministry and in a leadership role. I was so led by fear I was willing to let go of God’s will. SO. LED. BY. FEAR. I WAS. WILLING. TO. LET. GO.
Thankfully I have a husband who is an encourager and can see my fear and call it for what it is. One who doesn’t let me quit due to my emotion or my past hurts.
When we got to the church we had high hopes. For the first time in my life, I was excited to see what God could do through a church. I knew that he could heal, I knew that he could facilitate forgiveness, and I knew that he called us to be his hands and feet. What I didn’t know was possible was the RADICAL transformation that my heart and mind have undergone. What I didn’t know is that Holy Spirit could be revealed to me in such a real and tangible way.
It reminds me of the scripture in John 12:25 Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. I never got that scripture. In many ways I was convinced that it all hinged on this world. I saw the spiritual but I didn’t realize that most things in this world and beliefs have a spiritual component. On a logical level, I knew your families and your systems mattered but I didn’t realize they had the profound impact they do on how you view God and how you see what is possible. I had to fall out of love with my own standards and ideals and plans and in love with his. I had to ”hate” what this world has to offer and come to know that it ALL relies on my Savior if it is to be anything good, holy, worthy, worthwhile. HE is the key that unlocks the love that can change everything.
There aren’t enough words to explain. The overwhelming sense of awe I have for a creator who set the world in motion and is also the God that loves us enough to send his son is incredible. I want to hold it. To cherish it. To keep my first love my first love. And that is something that I could not comprehend 7 years ago, probably even 3 or 4 years ago.
Andy and I put down roots in a community. And that is hard. That means that you endure the storms. You stay planted even when everything in you wants to say ”Okay God, I am moving myself to a new garden now!” Because you realize that while that may FEEL easier in the here and now, it is not what is best for your roots, for your future flourishing.
About 2.5 years in to our being part of DLC the pastors that we loved, who had befriended us and mentored us, felt called away from ministry. It was the caring words of the lead pastor saying God loves and desires everyone, and that DLC would be a place where ALL felt welcome, that had drawn us to that church in the first place. What was happening? We had felt a shifting, we knew that everything was not precisely as it should be, but to be told that the sense we had was right on and we were being handed into the hands of someone almost entirely unknown was like ”Say what now?!” This was a new territory for us.
I always want to leave in situations of distress. In the fight or flight mentality, I am flight ALL THE WAY. At the time, I certainly felt like I was fought out. Just being real. I think having to remain “in it” all those years as a PK while being hurt, made the reality of me being ABLE to leave that much more appealing. It felt as if finally I was free to make my own choice as to where I was planted. But the truth is, if we don’t listen to God’s voice as to where he wants us to plant, we are living in idolatry. Again, I FELT like I finally had autonomy…meaning I could finally make my own decisions! Yet, just because we can, does not mean we should.
Just before the pastoral transition was one such time where I felt like making the decision to ”fly away.” We felt like, after 2.5 years, it may be time to go. (I think there is a recurring theme here)! But this time we had reached some spiritual maturity. We knew we shouldn’t make these kind of decisions on our own. Andy and I fasted and prayed together (a first!) and I heard nothing. Zero. Perhaps I could not will myself to hear the voice of the Lord saying “stay.” After all at times he is a barely audible whisper. We have to WANT to hear Him. But, Andy heard. And I knew that whatever his decision was, I needed to be in agreement. So, we stayed at Discover Life Church. We stayed only to be told shortly later that our lead pastors were leaving.
That meant a new pastor! There is always an element of excitement and a honeymoon phase when a new leader comes in. Then, there is that moment when you are acutely aware that the honeymoon is over. It was hard. Less the pastoral transition and more that we had so many goodbyes. Many friends have left and transitioned to another church. Some admitted that DLC never felt like ”home” and that they needed to go back to their old church. Church remains hard many times because life is hard, and people are…well, people.
In the past few years Andy and I have grown exponentially. We have seen God show up in ways we never thought imaginable. We have been pushed, discipled, offended, encouraged, bewildered and in complete awe. This is a very nicely packaged and brief description of the last few years, but in this instance I think that the most important thing to note is in the face of adversity, trials and testing we obeyed the voice of the Lord.
I think more than anything else, more than anything I have learned, is that steadfastness, staying in the this ”good fight of faith,” results in many surprises, yes, but it is also paves the way to the goodness of God. He has never left us, and He has never forsaken us. Even when we made the wrong turns, the bad decisions, the unfaithful moves, He stayed. As Rascal Flats crooned many years ago, the road is broken. We were able to get back up and continue to pursue Him because He was so kind to us. He kept drawing us deeper, and I am so thankful that for all the times I wanted to run away screaming, I chose to remain in faith instead. Andy and I both have chosen to keep going, despite the odds. WE MADE IT and we are stronger than ever.
I get it, it’s difficult to do. And I am still learning, still growing. I don’t think I will ever arrive, nor will my life ever be perfect, but I am more assured now than ever that Jesus is THE ONLY way, truth and life out there. He wants to show you too. So, if you are a person of faith in Jesus, keep seeking, keep pressing, stay ”in it.” If you aren’t a person of faith, I invite you to consider asking Him to show you if He is real. I believe that He is just the type to show us how valuable we are to Him.
